Paphos People

Apologies to Yorkshire people, but this did actually happen.

DIGGING HOLES

Have you ever started saying something in company, which you realise you shouldn’t be saying but for some reason your brain loses all control of your mouth? You start digging a hole which gets deeper and deeper until you finally disappear from view.
Then you have to leave the gathering and slink off home red faced hoping that nobody has noticed. Of course they all have and as soon as you walk out of the door they have a great laugh at your embarrassment.

I remember chatting to a German couple who had just returned from a holiday in Moscow. This was before the collapse of the USSR and sometimes people could find themselves in trouble for speaking out of turn. This could attract the attention of the KGB!
“Weren’t you afraid of the Gestapo?” I heard my mouth saying even though my brain was thinking KGB.
Too late it was said! Maybe they didn’t notice I thought.
The atmosphere went positively arctic and I could feel myself plummeting into the deep hole which I had dug with one scoop of the metaphorical shovel.

One of the most amusing incidents I remember was in a restaurant here in Cyprus. We were having dinner and on the next table was a party of eight Brits, four married couples, getting ready to order. They were from all points of the UK, Yorkshire, London, Scotland and the West Country. So there was Yorky, Delboy, Jock and Jethro.
The menu was typically English food, Fish and chips, Pork chop and chips, Steak and chips, basically everything with chips. Yorky ordered Ham egg and chips and the others all had different meals. After a short while, the waiter started serving the meals.
Everything seemed fine until Yorky’s ham egg and chips arrived.
“Eh oop lad” said Yorky “This is coold ham”
The waiter stopped.
“Yes sir that’s what you ordered.”
Yorky started to get annoyed and raising his voice said
“AAHM NOT EATIN’ COOLD ‘AM, ‘OT EGGS AND CHIPS!”
People started to look over to see what the fuss was about.
“AAHM – NOT - EATIN’ - THIS” he said stabbing the ham with his fork with every syllable “TAKE – IT - BACK”
The waiter took the plate and returned to the kitchen.
Yorkies wife started to look embarrassed.
The rest of the group was quite happily eating their meals and the other diners in the restaurant resumed their conversations.
The kitchen door swung open and a large gentleman in whites and check trousers came in carrying the Ham egg and chips.

THE CHEF!

The restaurant fell silent.
Striding over to Yorky, he politely said
“Is there a problem with your meal sir?”

“AYE THERE IS – THIS IS COOLD ‘AM, ‘OT EGGS AND CHIPS AND AAHM NOT EATIN’ COOLD ‘AM, OT EGGS AND CHIPS”
“That’s what you ordered sir” replied the chef’

Yorky carried on digging.
“AAH DOON’T CARE WHAT AAH ORDERED, AAHM NOT EATIN’ COOLD ‘AM ‘OT EGGS AND CHIPS. ‘OT IT OOP!”
“But that may make it tough sir” replied the chef keeping his temper under control.
Digging even deeper, Yorky stood up and looked the chef directly in the eye.
“OT – IT - OOP”

You could have heard a pin drop in the restaurant as the chef turned on his heel and took the meal back to the kitchen.

Yorky sat down with a smug smile, his wife was cringing in anticipation of what was coming, while the rest of his party was finishing their meals.
Conversations resumed again in the restaurant.

After about a minute a loud ‘PING’ was heard from the kitchen and the waiter returned with the now steaming ham egg and chips and set it down in front of Yorky.

The restaurant fell silent again as he picked up his knife and fork and started to try and saw through the ham.

“EH OOP LAD THIS ‘AMS TUFFF!”

He had dug deep enough by now. All that remained was to fill the hole in - preferably with him in it!