Paphos People

There are many natural comedic characters that keep pub life bubbling, Put them all together add some beer and you have the formula for a funny night out. Here's one....
The Darts Match
Indoor games are an essential part of pub life. It brings people together for a common cause, whether it is darts, pool, skittles, shove halfpenny or a quiz team. It gives everybody an even chance to excel in something a good darts player may not be a good quizzer and vice versa.
It also generates a good income on quiet days for the landlord!
Our pub darts team was unusual in that every player played under a pseudonym. We were called the Sherborne Sudos. There was Hobsy the landlord and captain, then the two Asian lads Jasper and Pray adaptations of their proper names which were too complicated for our English tongues. They had a small building business and on the side of the van it said ‘You’ve tried the cowboys now try the Indians’. Pasty was a chap from Cornwall. Magic maintained it was a name the girls in his village gave him when he was younger. Chalky was because his name was White. Paddington was a big cuddly bear of a man. Leggy was an old sailor who walked with a ‘seaman’s roll’. Then there was Donald the star player, his sudo was Hardon. When he played his Dad used to cheer him on with ‘Come on our Don’ hence the name.
The standard of the darts was nothing like what you see on the telly, in fact a maximum score was such a rare occurrence, if anyone did hit one, it got a mention in the local paper weekly sports reports.
If a player showed any real talent he would be asked to join the county team, with a remote chance of fame and fortune, but not any of us.
Thursday was darts night. Home and away games alternated each week. Our selection of names always got a laugh when we chalked them up on the board. The games were the best of three. We had a team talk before the match when Hobsy asked who you played last time and how you got on.
“I played that tall guy with the moustache and I won.” I said.
Magic surveyed the opposing team
“I played the shortarse with the glasses and I lost”
“Jasper, Pray who did you play against?”
They looked at the players, then at each other.
“We don’t know, you all look the same to us”.
The team talk was over amid much laughter.
The match was under way and the chalker was calling out the scores and keeping tally, when suddenly the door opened and a rather plump black and white Nun came in. It was Sister Mary from the St Roses Hospice for children with special needs.
Fund raising was a very important part of their work and a small army of nuns toured the pubs on darts and skittles nights, taking advantage of the good feeling and comradeship that the evening created. Everybody dug deep in their pockets for such a good cause, especially if their team was winning. Come to think of it the Nuns couldn’t lose could they?
The match was at a crucial point ‘even stevens’ all now rested on the final game, our best player ‘Hardon’ was playing the decider.
Hardon was on the oche and his game was at a crucial point, the final game of the evening. It was neck and neck a really close match. This was the decider and they were at one all.
He threw his first dart, treble twenty, a good start, then a single twenty, concentrating with his tongue licking his lips, he launched his third arrow. It hit the wire on the dartboard, rebounded and with a graceful parabolic curve headed back from whence it came. Stepping smartly aside, Hardon avoided the missile. Unfortunately Sister Mary was just behind him and bending over with her collecting tin.
The dart landed squarely in her gluteous maximus with a stifled cry of “Oh my goodness” she dropped onto her knees and elbows in a dead faint, like a felled ox, with Hardon’s dart proudly sticking out of her bum! Silence descended on the room.
“Blimey Hardon I think you might’ve killed her” said Hobsy.
Then the chalker, seeing his opportunity for greatness, called out “ONE NUN DEAD AND EIEIGHGHTEEY!”

NOTE: No Nuns were killed or injured in the writing of this story.