Paphos People

CINDERELLA
THE UGLY SISTERS POINT OF VIEW

My name is Salmonella, nothing fishy about that is there? It’s better than my ugly sister Motzerella, that’s an old cheesy name but it suits her. She’s not pretty nor modest like what I am she’s not got taste, in fact she’s common as muck. Then there’s Citronella the third sister, there’s no flies on her. She’s got her sights set on Buttons the butler – no ambition in life that one.
We live with our Mum Mortadella who got lucky and married a Baron which led us all to live in his castle. We thought it was going to be luxury all the way but it turned out old Baron Hardup was stoney – yeah that’s right not a sov to his name. What a let down, still Mum’s a Baroness and we have got our own servant Cinderella. She’s the Baron’s daughter but a bit of a skinny wimp of a girl. Me, Motzy and Citro gave her plenty to do to try and build her up a bit but it doesn’t seem to have much effect. I think she had a crush on Buttons the butler, waste of time if you ask me he’s a bit y’know ‘Ginger’ in that department.
Last month the King proclaimed that there was to be a Grand Ball in order for his son Prince Charming to select a bride. She has to be single, of child bearing age and presentable at Court. Well look no further, there I was, cancel the Ball, keep your money in your pocket your Kingship. I sent a text to their Royal Highnesses but no good they didn’t take any notice of me.
So off to the Ball we went, having given Cinders plenty to keep her busy while we were there showing our charms to the King and Queen.
On the night of the Ball the excitement was raised to fever pitch as Me, Motzy and Citro competed to look the most glamorous of all the available maidens. When I was the new Princess, I promised Motzy and Citro that they would be my Ladies in Waiting, although what they will be waiting for I don’t know.
The ball was in full swing and I had a dance with the Prince, I don’t think his shins were too bruised.
All of a sudden there was great interest at the entrance. A beautiful coach had pulled up with white horses and coachmen the works. Everybody waited to see who was going to get out. Then there she was, elegantly dressed in a lavish gown, glass slippers and jewels. I looked down at my Primark get up and my heart sank.
The Prince was instantly besotted with this girl who I thought I knew from someplace but where from I didn’t know. They danced the night away until the clock chimed midnight and suddenly this beauty ran from the ballroom in a state of panic, leaving no clue as to who she was except one of her glass slippers!
I offered my condolences to the Prince stating that I was still available and wouldn’t hold that dalliance against him. Whether he didn’t hear me or chose to ignore me I don’t know but I wasn’t in the best of moods when we all got home. ‘Cinderella, come and help me get me boots off’ I called striding into the kitchen.
Then I tripped over a blasted pumpkin that was in the middle of the floor mice ran everywhere I stamped my size nines in a vain effort to get them. Sitting on a chair Cinderella tried her best to pull my boots off, finally succeeding, she took them out to air off in the garden.
There was a knock on the door and Dandini the prince’s aide was there holding the glass slipper.
“Whoever this slipper fits will be the Princes chosen one”.
I was ready - sat on the chair bare foot.
“Bring it over” I said.
Breathing in all over I tried my foot into the tiny shoe but I could only get my big toe into it.
“Let me try said Motzy”
“What?” I said “with your bunions”
Citro was the closest fit but the smell from her trainers put everybody off.
Dandini looked relieved, I don’t know why, and started to pack the shoe away.
Just then flippin’ Cinderella came back in from the garden.
“Who is this?” said Dandini
“Nobody” said Me, Motzy and Citro together.
“She must try the slipper” said Dandini and with that he placed the slipper in front of her.
It fitted perfectly and we all rejoiced. At long last some money would be coming into the family!!
The wedding was superb, Me, Motzy and Citro were bridesmaids the only one who wasn’t happy was Citronella.
She thought that her and Buttons would be an item but he seemed to be getting on very well with the best man who of course was Dandini, who traditionally is played by a girl whereas Citronella being an ugly sister was played by a man. It’s all very confusing especially as this was a family show, but I did warn you about him - or her didn’t I?