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You know you've been Defence institutionalised (Made military) when...
You use target indication to point out hot chicks...
You use the term 'chicks'
You insist on dancing like a dick, whilst your civvie mates insist on trying to dance 'properly'.
Your civvie mates don't understand any of the terminology you use such as 'no dramas', 'squared away', 'take a knee', 'get the wets on' etc....
You answer the phone with 'send!' and can't help saying "Roger", "Say again" and other snappy bits of VP
You use acronyms thinking your civvie mates will understand what you are talking about
You don't have any civvie mates....
You cringe, and mutter under your breath 'haircut', when you see men with long hair.
You walk at a ridiculous pace and are physically incapable of walking at the shopping pace of your girlfriend.
You refer to personal organisation as "admin"
Your girlfriend is stored in your mobile phone address book as 'Zero Alpha'
You use patrol hand signals in a night club if people can't hear you
You always use the 24 hour clock....
Nothing marines do shocks you any more....
You can't watch war movies without giving a running commentary...
...and explaining to everyone the slightest inaccuracy.
You go out of your way to abuse and annoy women despite regretting it everytime you go home drunk and alone
Whenever you spell something out you use the phonetic alphabet....
You don't trust your mum/wife/girlfriend/any woman to iron your kit because deep down you think that your ironing is better....
You point using your whole hand in a karate chop motion....
You find that the conversation somehow always comes back round to you, because you're more interesting than most topics of conversation....
You think not shaving is a treat....
You get really irritated when people you don't know call you 'mate'....
You can read a junk mail catalogue from cover to cover and refer to everything that is useful as a Gucci bit of kit.
Whenever you leave people you always do it by saying 'i'm popping smoke'
You spend hours wondering where in civvie street you can get an equal disposable income and at least 6 weeks holiday a year, by completing an inversely proportionally tiny amount of tangible work
Your blood boils when you see civvies wearing DPM. And because it's split rig.
Going out on the town wherever it may be, or whichever course one is on, involves forming the ring-of-steel, talking about ourselves and aggressively staring at girls; who if they don't immediately come over are obviously lesbians.
Should any man dare break this ritual, and despite talking to the prettiest of girls - as we would like to do, if it weren't for the fact we tend to chew our own tongues and dribble - he is clearly gay!
You come out in a cold sweat if you find yourself still working after lunch on a Friday....
You have to stop work at 10am for NAAFI break or else you might not make it to lunch....
At least half of your DVD collection are war movies....
Even though your disposable income is twice that of a civvie you still manage to spend it all, every month, with nothing to show for it, about a week after you've told all your soldiers that you 'can't believe how much money they waste on the urine'....
The sight of rolling countryside makes you scan for 'enemy depth'....
You think that eating every meal for a week with the same spoon that you licked clean and kept in the pocket of the same shirt you've worn all week is perfectly normal....
You'd rather walk 4 miles out of your way round the outside of the camp rather than 10 metres if it means passing an officer and having to salute him/her.
All of your food has to be prepared by a chef because you're incapable of cooking anything that can't either be boiled in a bag or eaten cold....
You lie when people ask you what you do for a living....
When leaving your phone number on a voice message you can't just give it once, it has to be repeated.
When surveying open ground (when not looking for enemy in depth) you imagine the best place to site an OP. If a forestry block - the best route to get a section in.
You survey open ground.
When you are pointing out some natural feature you begin with "Reference bushy topped tree etc etc"
Your girlfriend has started saying "admin", asking if you'd like a ''wet'' and gave you the "Chop" when telling you to put the bin out.
Your family knows when your 'threaders' and what it means
When meeting mates in a pub you always turn up 5 minutes early and are secretly angry that nobody else has.....Worse still, if it's a venue you haven't been to before, you turn up 15 minutes early to put in a CTR, in order that you are definitely there 5 minutes early.
You subconsciously red-pen everything you read.
You have 'life on the Ocean Wave' as your mobile ring tone
You have the globe and laurel as your screensaver
It annoyed you that I didn’t use a capital ‘G’ and ‘L’ in the previous line
You have a year round tan that runs from your hands to mid-arm and makes a nice ‘v’ on your chest
You have more than one pussers tattoo
Your missus knows what 'pussers' means
In work even your bessie oppo won’t leave his rifle loafing with you because he knows you’ll pick him up for some dirt on it (when you strip it down behind his back)
You go for a drink with your civvie mates and proceed to explain and demonstrate to them the subtleties of CQB (tap, tap, weapon sweep, eye thump, tango down, marking, standing...)
You’re idea of a serious relationship involves an Arbers/Taunton/Plymouth chick
You know the best runs ashore in at least 5 of the following, Exmouth, Taunton, Plymouth, Arbroath, Helensburgh, Barnstable, Watford, Oakhampton or Dubai
You continually use phrases like “pound to a piece of doodoo”
Then finish your phone call with “roger, out
When you came on Facebook you searched for every Royal Marine group/profile
And joined most of them
At EVERY family occasion (wedding birthday christening etc) you end up getting drunk because one relative knows about the TTQ (to the Queen) rule and knows you will uphold it
After you get drunk you then proceed to announce to all your relatives that you ‘are turbo doodoo’
Then call a naked bar
And actually do it
You think dressing up as a chick is the best thing ever.
Everyone in your family uses the word 'hoofin'
Oh my god..... All of the above apply......
_________________
Graham
The best mind-altering drug is truth.
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